Firm Yet Loving

This may seem like parental advice from a non-parent, but it truly comes from years of experience with working with children. I've noticed that when it comes to discipline, or shaping young lives through guidance, adults generally seem to fall into two camps: the strict disciplinarian camp and the affectionate-let-everything-slide camp. Both discipline and love are essential to guiding children, yet exclusive of each other they can be disastrous.

For example, if all I direct towards a child are rules, the poor little one is going to feel like they never do anything right. He or she will feel as if no matter how hard they try, they can never please or appease me. This will negatively impact their self-esteem, and in fact, probably won't help them keep the rules either way. At a certain point, they will just give up.

On the other hand, if I feel that the best way to nourish and guide a child is to let them do their own thing and just show love and support as often as I can, I face another set of problems. First of all, withholding rules from a child is not showing them love. Proverbs 22:15 says, "folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him." Children need to learn how to do what is right. It's unnatural for them to choose right all the time, and we, their authority figures, need to show them how.

With the knowledge of the dangers of these two extremes, I have adopted a policy called "firm yet loving." Basically, it means that I shower each child with as much love, affection, attention, and praise as possible, while consistently enforcing discipline. Also, if I tell a kid that a certain behavior will result in punishment, I have to be willing to carry out that punishment. So many people threaten children until they are blue in the face without ever making good on their promise. Children know! They are brighter than you think. They know that they will never actually receive that time out, and so they will continue in their negative behavior.

One danger you may face interacting with children is losing your temper. Obviously, kids can push you to frustration. It is of utmost importance that you are aware when this is happening.

Speaking firmly to a child is often necessary, but yelling at them is never acceptable. If it happens, however, it must be followed by an apology. A young child is so tender and impressionable, your voice can seriously crush them. Sometimes you may have to find a way to take yourself out of the situation. Once you know that you are close to losing control, step away until you calm down and can deal with things rationally. This is essential to maintaining a loving relationship with the child.

A curious thing I have found about enforcing discipline is that after doing so, the kid, for some reason, is usually MORE favorably disposed towards you. Kids seek the safety of rules and discipline as much as they seek the warmth of your love. Both are necessary to maintain the respect and obedience of the child.

Susan C.