Setting the Bar

Quite frequently, youth workers are required to take on the role of child psychologist, figuring out and addressing the motivations of the students we serve. Everybody wants … perhaps needs … attention. Even the sourest misanthrope can appreciate a pat on the back, recognition for achievements, or a spirited “well done” on occasion. Children exemplify this need, often settling for negative attention over none at all.

As one of four adults in a sea of students at Starfish, I recognize the dynamic of children clamoring for attention from us, the parental figures at our center. The “look at me” mantra tumbles off the tongues of certain students more than others, but in a sense, don’t we all desire to be seen, to be appreciated, to be valued? It is the injured soul that seeks to be alone, and seems against human nature to fade into the background, pursuing invisibility when positive reinforcement exists. However, when children, and even some adults, cannot quench their thirst for praise, they often switch tactics and reach out for recognition in any way possible, even if that involves negative expressions.

As stated in an earlier blog, our words have power and what we (parents, educators, mentors) speak into the lives of youth can have a lasting impact on them. Children typically reach as high or as low as the bars families and society place before them, and with negative expectations come negative behavior. In such instances, we must examine a child’s motives and step in with love, calmly discouraging negative conduct while not making such a big deal about it that the “discipline” feeds their attention deficit. We, of course, need to respond firmly and fairly, but also with an emotional control that doesn’t offhandedly encourage more undesirable behavior. Many times, just hearing that “Mom” and “Dad” are disappointed in a child’s behavior is enough to help that child turn things around. And just as we seek the adoring eyes of the Father, kids do so with their guardians in the flesh. They simply want to spend time with their moms, dads, or other important adults in their lives … to bond, to be recognized as important and worthy of someone’s time and attention.

Now, here’s the difficult part. When disciplining an attention-seeking child, whether we’ve pinpointed their motives or not, any overt gushing, gifts, or special activities can be construed as a victory by the youth. Parents may recognize that their child needs attention, but giving it only in response to tantrums will reap more of the same. Calm, clear communication will help, and making sure tons of hugs or fun things don’t follow poor behavior, while effusively encouraging and rewarding positive behavior. I’m not saying stop showing your child love when they misbehave (acting out may, in fact, indicate a child’s feelings of neglect), but use wisdom. Make disobedience cost them something. Remove a privilege or execute some other non-violent discipline that lets them know that poor behavior is unacceptable. We are called, in Proverbs 6, to “train up a child in the way he should go”—lovingly, wisely, fearlessly. That last one is particularly poignant. Don’t be afraid to discipline your child. It may not feel so great at the time, but you’ll both be thankful in the long run.

And remember … we must use our words to build a strong foundation for children. Speak blessings into them, and offer constant encouragement to foster a “you can do it” attitude. It doesn’t matter where they live or what disadvantages they face. We must instill in youth that, with determination and self-confidence, they can clear any and all bars society make erect.